Those feelings

I’ve realised that writing things out makes me feel so much better all the time. But I don’t always have the time to do it and sometimes I just neglect it. Just 5 minutes ago I’ve realised that even in my most stressful days in March I posted something and I think it’s due for another post.

Ever since it ended, I can’t help feeling disappointed. 12, 13, 14 March, lacking sleep, just sitting in the auditorium and watching, yet not feeling everything. Hearing so many things, dealing with so many things in that hell week. I guess ultimately I just didn’t know how I should feel. Should I feel happy that it is going to be over? Should I feel happy that everyone has grown so much? Or should I feel upset that things are going to end so unhappily? All the things that happened in those few days. I can’t even sum up how I feel about it. And when it finally ended, I cried (albeit for like 5 secs). That mix of feelings – no joy, just pure disappointment and anger in myself. How I couldn’t be better, how I couldn’t have been stronger, how I couldn’t have made things perfect, how I didn’t have the satisfaction of completing my big project that I spent so much time on. And after that, I literally lived like a zombie for a week. Granted, I was tired, but I couldn’t find it in me to put a smile back on my face. I haven’t felt like such a loser in such a long time because it was the final event and I couldn’t do anything to correct it anymore.

Even up till the last meeting, it wasn’t joy of seeing everyone. It was just… emotionless. I didn’t know why I felt this way. I guess when you’ve put in so much effort into something and things doesn’t go your way, you just feel upset. I can’t help feeling the disappointment that comes with it, and I’ve come to terms that all of it is the whole package that I am going to get. I can’t run away from it. All the backstabbing, politics, mean words, people disliking each other, chats going silent, people hating on each other. That’s just part of the whole package and I’ve come to terms with it. I’ll still look back and say that it has been disappointing. I can’t bring myself to say that it has been a good run because I felt it hasn’t been one. As I look back, I just keep thinking about how I made a few singular mistakes and it all built up to one huge mess and all of it could have been prevented by me. Drawing parallels, while my leadership style has been different in 2 different instances, the outcome still turned out to be relatively close. 

In the subsequent weeks, it has been near depressing. I know I’ve cried for many many instances because of this. I guess I just don’t know how to deal. And I have nothing to cry about now. (Well, I do, just that I can’t do anything about it now.) I’ve pushed the event to its limits, but I haven’t pushed my committee just as hard to be bonded. Things just turn out differently from what I expected. Drawing parallels again, it has been so different. I haven’t felt so unmotivated, low in confidence on so many counts. I’m just jaded by words of others which I shouldn’t even be. I don’t think the opinions of others matter, but getting judged wrongly matters to me when you don’t even know me matters to me. Because why should I be putting up with such shit? Some people’s words and opinions matter so much more than others because they would have the experience to advice me and I guess that proved to be more helpful than some. 

I can’t say that I don’t feel anything now. I feel so much for this project and I just want to see it grow. But on a personal level, I can’t say that I’ve really learnt much. What have I learnt from handling people? Nothing, because I have just been dealing with them using my own logic and reasoning. Haters gonna hate, but I’m still going to get affected. Who doesn’t get affected? Yes, I put too much emotions into my work. Who doesn’t when it is something that you want to see it do well? Who doesn’t feel upset at seeing things go awfully wrong and when others create a spitfire against each other? I can’t say that these aren’t excuses too. I do admit, I don’t reveal my emotions. I deal with things and keep my emotions in. And when I break down, I can die from all the feelings and cry like there’s no tomorrow. But that’s just me, and I can’t help it. 

But after a month, things have died down, and I’ve learnt to deal with disappointment. And that is my biggest takeaway: To deal with the most disappointing things in your life, and yet still come out strong. 


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