It’s nearly 7 months on, and these inner demons still kill me. And I realised I’ve degraded so much as a person.
I used to be able to love myself more. To give myself more learning space to grow from my mistakes. But now all I do is just blame it on myself and the situation I am in. I really think the people that I hang out with plays a role in shaping me and I’ve been hanging out with too many people that degrade me to such an extent that I don’t recognise myself anymore.
4 years on, after pushing myself to love myself more, I’ve dropped back to where I am again. Someone who is bitter about herself, bitter about her own body, bitter about her work and worse still, bitter about people around her. I shouldn’t be like this. Why am I even bitter about myself in the first place when I am perfectly fine and should be happier instead?
Why do I even take into the account of people’s opinions which in actual fact, do not even matter? Is it because I hang out with them too much? And if they’re truly your friends, they would stop and think how such words would affect you right? They would want you to become a better person right? They wouldn’t degrade you to someone you wouldn’t want to be and let you perpetually be unhappy and have to see you cry right? Why would anyone want to make you so vulnerable that it hurts you to the root? Why would anyone want to cause so much hurt to friend when you know you have the ability to make her life a little easier by offering a word of encouragement?
I don’t want to learn anymore. All I’m doing is handling shit that comes along my way even though I should be learning more. I shouldn’t even have to give up time spent on my friends to spend it on meetings and get so sick and tired over it. I need to start learning to be myself again.