Internship

So currently I am still in office and I am blogging now.

Just had a very interesting conversation with my supervisor, about the different people you meet when you go out to work. Granted, my supervisor is only 27 and has only worked for 5 years, but I think what he said resonated with me.

When I go out into the working world, I’ll probably meet lots of weird people and probably getting backstabbed and so on. But for now, maybe I just want to be a student and chill a little.

This sudden thought came into my mind after finishing the conversation with my supervisor. I think I just want to live and let live, and I want people around me to be happy with their choices or just generally happy with their lives. How often do you meet people who you can talk to? Granted, some people do stupid things, but once in awhile, I can actually find it in my epic self to forgive and let it go.

Killing people with your kindness is till better than killing yourself with the hatred that you have in your heart.

Length

So I’ve been away from writing for a few months now. Sometimes I think my language is so bad now since I’ve stopped writing.

Anyway, so these few months have been hectic and also with much revelations as well. I don’t have any words to describe this feeling now except that everything is in a mess and yet everything is as clear as ever.

To be honest, I think I’m always going to be dissatisfied with life. Perhaps feeling neutral or worse still, feeling unhappy about life. And that has been me for the longest time I can remember. Sometimes I can’t remember what I am unhappy about and sometimes I’m just unhappy for no good reason (yes, they might be crazy moodswings). But all in all, these unhappiness are part of my life and eventually I have to be used to them. I’m thankful for these unhappiness at times because they force me to grab life by the collar and stare at it and deal with all the things that I am faced with.

I used to be more daring on a larger level, more of a “make your own destiny” kind of person. The old me would confess to guys just because I liked them (only just once because yes, I am that crazy). But now the changed me won’t do that anymore. Maybe to some extent I am just jaded with life and I’ve lost that passion that I once had for life. I’m still as crazy as ever though, wanting to travel by my own for 2 weeks.

I think what I really want is to be able to be alone and be comfortable with it. To be with myself and love myself for who I am and then think of what I really wanna do with life. Because honestly, I haven’t found what I want to do with my life. People have grand dreams of their businesses, their future and all I have is: I want to find a good job. And goodness, that’s just insufficient for me.

So as I begin a new journey to love myself, I hope I’ll be able to make some self-discoveries and really find out what I really really want in life.

Those feelings

I’ve realised that writing things out makes me feel so much better all the time. But I don’t always have the time to do it and sometimes I just neglect it. Just 5 minutes ago I’ve realised that even in my most stressful days in March I posted something and I think it’s due for another post.

Ever since it ended, I can’t help feeling disappointed. 12, 13, 14 March, lacking sleep, just sitting in the auditorium and watching, yet not feeling everything. Hearing so many things, dealing with so many things in that hell week. I guess ultimately I just didn’t know how I should feel. Should I feel happy that it is going to be over? Should I feel happy that everyone has grown so much? Or should I feel upset that things are going to end so unhappily? All the things that happened in those few days. I can’t even sum up how I feel about it. And when it finally ended, I cried (albeit for like 5 secs). That mix of feelings – no joy, just pure disappointment and anger in myself. How I couldn’t be better, how I couldn’t have been stronger, how I couldn’t have made things perfect, how I didn’t have the satisfaction of completing my big project that I spent so much time on. And after that, I literally lived like a zombie for a week. Granted, I was tired, but I couldn’t find it in me to put a smile back on my face. I haven’t felt like such a loser in such a long time because it was the final event and I couldn’t do anything to correct it anymore.

Even up till the last meeting, it wasn’t joy of seeing everyone. It was just… emotionless. I didn’t know why I felt this way. I guess when you’ve put in so much effort into something and things doesn’t go your way, you just feel upset. I can’t help feeling the disappointment that comes with it, and I’ve come to terms that all of it is the whole package that I am going to get. I can’t run away from it. All the backstabbing, politics, mean words, people disliking each other, chats going silent, people hating on each other. That’s just part of the whole package and I’ve come to terms with it. I’ll still look back and say that it has been disappointing. I can’t bring myself to say that it has been a good run because I felt it hasn’t been one. As I look back, I just keep thinking about how I made a few singular mistakes and it all built up to one huge mess and all of it could have been prevented by me. Drawing parallels, while my leadership style has been different in 2 different instances, the outcome still turned out to be relatively close. 

In the subsequent weeks, it has been near depressing. I know I’ve cried for many many instances because of this. I guess I just don’t know how to deal. And I have nothing to cry about now. (Well, I do, just that I can’t do anything about it now.) I’ve pushed the event to its limits, but I haven’t pushed my committee just as hard to be bonded. Things just turn out differently from what I expected. Drawing parallels again, it has been so different. I haven’t felt so unmotivated, low in confidence on so many counts. I’m just jaded by words of others which I shouldn’t even be. I don’t think the opinions of others matter, but getting judged wrongly matters to me when you don’t even know me matters to me. Because why should I be putting up with such shit? Some people’s words and opinions matter so much more than others because they would have the experience to advice me and I guess that proved to be more helpful than some. 

I can’t say that I don’t feel anything now. I feel so much for this project and I just want to see it grow. But on a personal level, I can’t say that I’ve really learnt much. What have I learnt from handling people? Nothing, because I have just been dealing with them using my own logic and reasoning. Haters gonna hate, but I’m still going to get affected. Who doesn’t get affected? Yes, I put too much emotions into my work. Who doesn’t when it is something that you want to see it do well? Who doesn’t feel upset at seeing things go awfully wrong and when others create a spitfire against each other? I can’t say that these aren’t excuses too. I do admit, I don’t reveal my emotions. I deal with things and keep my emotions in. And when I break down, I can die from all the feelings and cry like there’s no tomorrow. But that’s just me, and I can’t help it. 

But after a month, things have died down, and I’ve learnt to deal with disappointment. And that is my biggest takeaway: To deal with the most disappointing things in your life, and yet still come out strong. 

Backstabbed

How would one feel when one has been the topic of discussion for a bad matter?

It happened once and I sort of got over it. But now it is happening again and I need to get over it again. But the person whom I am confiding in is making a mess of my head. I don’t know what is happening no more. 

Toxic

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.”
—  Daniell Koepke (via justawordshaker)