Roller Coaster Ride

Y’know how life sometimes feels like a roller coaster ride? Some great ups and some really ridiculous downs?

As I grow older and further away from my past experiences, I’ve realised I’ve become a lot more mellow in my attitude. I can’t take stupid and ridiculous opinions and say fuck it and carry on with my life. It feels like I have to learn this whole process, get mentally exhausted by it and then grow stronger and continue to brush people off.

In addition, I think I’ve become too much of an emotional person. There were so many instances where I let my emotions take over my logic and because I keep in my emotions for so long, one ridiculous thing can make me feel so upset. Honestly, it’s getting uncontrollable and I get pretty exasperated over the issue at times.

It’s almost as if logic and emotions are fighting a battle with each decision I make and I know the best way forward would be to listen to logic. But emotions betray me and I screw up many things all at once. Not cool, cause I have to do damage control to a lot of issues at once.

All these ridiculous downs break me up bit by bit and sometimes I wonder whether I am good enough, whether I’m strong enough and whether I deserve what I have. I used to have much more confidence than this. For some reason, I can’t get myself to trust myself, which is why I don’t understand why others put so much faith in me. And especially since I can’t get myself to trust myself, how am I going to get my team to trust me?

But I have to say, while all these downs do get to me at times, I’m also thankful to have the people who trust in me, who push me on bit by bit. I’m definitely not the best human being around, but it’s also through all these adversities I grow up as a person. I’ve realised it’s hard to hear apologies and thanks, much less encouragement, so I appreciate these words so much more.

I decided to write this post not because I needed to rant so much about my downs. But I wanted to remind myself of how blessed I am to have people who care about me so much. These past few weeks have been pretty hard, but I’ve had people who have known of my presence (but only know me personally for just a few days) offering to help me out on any issues that I may face and also encourage me on even though they have no obligation to.

Jaded from people’s harshness, but also full of hope after reading such a message. I’ve never thought I would receive so much kindness from a senior. At that instance, it didn’t matter to me how much I went through for the past few weeks because that message made everything worth it.

I’ve also been told to confide in people at any time of the day. And such a thoughtful message from a senior did give me the same feeling of being so blessed with people around me as well.

Every day I wake up feeling inferior to so many people. I know I can’t give up at this point in time, but I still feel like there are so much more people that are better than me. But every day, I push myself on and do the things that I would never have done, one step at a time. Even if I don’t trust in myself, just push away all thoughts and continue working on everything I believed in. I know sooner or later I will probably be so hurt inside (maybe I already have, sickened by worrying my wits out every day), but I’ll deal with it later.

People tell me, your status now is different, you’re like an immortal now, something that not everyone can achieve. I tell them no, I’m still a human, I still eat and sleep. But more important, I still feel, albeit not showing any emotions at all.

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