I think this space is going to be an outlet for me to rant about random stuff soon.

I don’t know why I am feeling so stressed. Or is this even stress? Or this might even by self-doubt, just myself telling myself that: y’know you might not be able to do it. Why hang on to it so tightly? 

I went on to talk to a “friend” and the self doubt creeps in more and more. It is really something that I have to overcome myself isn’t it? I must tell myself that it is really idiotic to think this way and that I should really really really have more confidence in myself even though others may not be confident in me.

I guess I am still afraid because I am partly still stuck in the shadow of unhappiness. Can I really do this without having the same thing repeat again? Part of me feels that I still need people’s approval to handle this, but another part of me says that I know I can do this, I just need to find it in myself to believe and not care about what others are saying. 

No matter how tired or how stressed I am, I can’t show it. (Except maybe here). It feels as if I’m treading very very carefully on turbulent waters. One small slip and I may fall off and drown. Sometimes you just wanna do things just for random reasons, just because you can and not because you have to be careful. 

I’m not unhappy with these lot. Maybe what I’m feeling is worry, because I don’t know how to deal with it and I pray and pray for the strength to go through it. I used to wish that someone would understand and come by to give me a pat on my back and say: it’s alright, you’re doing fine. You just have to keep going and you’ll get there. But now I realised, I guess that’s not what I really want. It would be nice if someone did that, but essentially I guess it boils down to me being able to cheer myself on. 

“Reluctance to failure, I refuse to cry”. Words that I will live by for the next year to come. 


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