Trust, fear and uneasiness

Been listening to this song by sodagreen recently. (I know, I know, it’s unlike me to listen to mandarin songs. But this is different.) There was a phrase which struck me so hard when I really listened to the song. 

當時奮不顧身伸出我的手 
看見了輪廓就當作宇宙
甜美的習慣變成生活 才瞭解了什麼

Translated, it roughly means:

At that time, I selflessly stretched out my hand
Looking at just a corner, I thought of it as the universe
Sweet habits turned into daily routine, and what did I understand from this?

As I listen to this song, I just realised how much it struck a chord in my heart. And this song is apparently the second part to this happy song. And this youtuber commented and explained it very very well. 

I felt so uneasy yesterday because I couldn’t get over myself. I still haven’t gotten over myself, but I don’t really want to show it to others anymore because of how I assume others are always judgmental and only a small number of people really really do care. And I think I already have the people I need to trust in my life now. I don’t want to make quantum leaps and dive into something that I will regret.

It’s scary the amount of things I bottle up and how I haven’t been telling anyone for quite some time. I know who I can talk to, but I haven’t seen them for quite awhile. And when I look around myself now, I don’t know who I can talk to at ease and not get judged. Yes, I admit. I’m horribly worried about how others see me. It’s something that I am trying to change but it is incredibly hard. Would someone ensuring me that they are a good secret keeper help? No, in fact I have no idea how I determine who I can trust and who I don’t trust. 

Only when you go through something can you understand how difficult it is to complete. When you gave it your all at one point and then got thrashed down, only then can you understand how precious something is to you. Trust is all but a word at first when you don’t understand anything. But as you grow older, you realise there are so many different levels of trust and the same goes for every other thing in life.

I’m not chronically unhappy. I’m just neutral about so many things that I have no idea what to feel. I’m beginning to think that I’m making things too complex. Isn’t life just all about being happy when you want to and when you’re unhappy, just let it out? But I realise I can’t do it at all. 

It’s scary when you tell someone everything and they can see you so clearly to the point whereby you have nothing to hide. And this is the fear that I am feeling now, because I know I no longer have leverage on someone else and this is putting me in a very vulnerable situation. 

Sigh. I’m beginning to think I don’t understand myself at all now. 

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