Life 101 (2011)

To succeed in life, you need a lot of tools. Probably from a wide array too. Some people undergo mid-life crisis: Everything they do just doesn’t seem right, life is at a stagnant standstill, everything just seems wrong and down and out. Nothing is going right, and you just feel like giving up and discard all responsibilities.

I feel like that’s where I am right now.

I want to discard all my cares and throw them into the wind. But I know I can’t, because a moment of fun now, may just cause a whole lifetime of suffering later. Suffer now, and have a good life later may just be more practical.

But that’s not all.

I think people my age have started to get attached and stuff. Not gonna lie, but I am a wee bit envious? Being single is damn good, I swear. I seriously swear by it, because I get to save up my money, spend it on myself and be happy with whatever I get. And you can just do whatever you want without consideration of someone else. But there are definitely times where having someone that you can call your own is so good, sometimes you just don’t want to wait for others, but be a priority in someone else’s life.

Probably 10 years down the road, I’ll be groaning about not being married or something. But that’s not the point. At every age we are at, there will be bound to be something that we’re not totally happy with. Like our work, our social life, our relationships. There will be imperfections.

But for now, I just want to practice loving myself. Loving myself for my imperfections, my flaws, my silly ways and my profound side of me. Be the best I can be, and not let my inner voice put me down. No matter how many people I love, without loving myself, nothing is going to be possible.

I want to look at my flaws and tell myself, its alright. And probably work it to get me where I want to be. Not for anyone else, but for myself, because I want to be healthier and have the energy to keep up, and not feeling tired all the time.

I want to change my mindsets. I need to. Its causing me to fall down. Yet, when I scrape my knees and get up, I don’t get the impact of falling down. Its scaring me, because I don’t know the severity of such things in my life.

Negativity surrounds me in my daily life. I don’t speak up about them because I believe in dealing it myself and not involving others which I don’t want others to know. I’ve always believed in building up a strong character and withstanding strong winds from backstabbing. But from time to time, I need people to talk to. And sometimes, I just don’t know how to open my mouth and ask, because its not typical of me, or sometimes I just feel that I can’t talk about certain things, or sometimes, I just don’t want to say, or I just don’t want people to know.

I want to see people happy. That’s one of the reasons why I refuse to tell people my troubles. I dislike to see people worry about me or continuously tell me that they are worried about me. I can obviously see that my words carry weight and sometimes without realising, I affect people around me. But I don’t want people to be affected. I want them to be happy with their life and their loved ones. That’s what makes me happy. While it makes me envious at times, that I can’t achieve it, I feel reassured to know that people are happy.

I watched No Strings Attached. There are so many things we believe in this world, so much so that, the truth has become twisted. I don’t want to be tangled in some nonsense anymore. I just want to keep a distance and let others be happy, and not get hurt, and not let myself get hurt at the same time. I am selfish. Everyone is selfish. But true selfish stems from lies that we tell ourselves everyday so that we can hurt others. A stab is a stab. It hurts, it bleeds, it takes time to heal.

Many will probably read this. I will probably read this in 5 years or some time down the road. I want to be able to  tell myself, hey you have gotten better. You’re happier, you’re emotionally better than others. And in order for me to do that, I need to be able to fufil my promises to myself, start leading a better life, rather than procrastinating and waiting for something to happen.

Life can only get better if you do something about it. Change starts today.

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