I wanted to type out a post full of vulgarities and just unleash but I realise it probably won’t help me much when I want to remember how awful I feel at this moment.
So my first semester results has been released roughly 24 hours ago. To be honest, I haven’t quite gotten over the shock of it. I can’t say I have been slacking away for the past semester because I really did feel that I did work hard for it. I’m just really indignant of how my results turned out and really really upset at it.
I actually thought that I have gotten over it in the morning when I sort of tortured myself out of bed with less than 4 hours of sleep. Sure I’ve slept late and woke up early before but nothing of this sort because I literally forced myself to wake up and exercise and in the end just sat at the park and stared into space for about an hour. Which wasn’t a bad thing considering that I was just contemplating how to face up to it. And then I wanted to just bawl my eyes out so I wouldn’t have to do it at home or later in the afternoon, but then I couldn’t.
Instead, I just went out as usually, but nevertheless feeling lousy. I felt like crap for the whole day but I didn’t want to deny this self-pity that I had for myself. So I just dragged my ass for pool and in the end I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to cry in the toilet. Dramatic I know. And I couldn’t stop crying until an hour later.
Today has been a really trying day. I know how GPA only defines the first job that I get and probably the specialisation I get into. I know how it is only going to be a small part of my life when I look back. But right now, it makes me feel that the whole world is actually crashing down on me because it feels that all the plans that I have my future are all beginning to look really really small. Maybe 10 years down the road, I’ll look back at myself when I was 19 years old and laugh at how naive I was. But the truth is, it doesn’t make any of this any much easier for now. It really hurts to know how much I fell short of and there is nothing I can do to start over.
I don’t ever want this to happen to me again. It would have felt better if I knew where I went wrong, because honestly, when I walked out of each and every examination hall, I felt fine. There was definitely more that I could do, but I just felt that it was alright and I probably wouldn’t flunk it super badly.
This is probably just a god sent reminder that I have to work hard for the subsequent semesters. Even though it may be a tough road ahead, it is still a road that I must take. After a day of wallowing in self-pity, its standing up and going the mile again!