“Because we love you no matter what you do”

This has been the sentenced that touched me a lot today. Because it wasn’t said by a family member but a close friend.

I’m a very friend dependent person. I rely on my friends more than my family. When I have problems, I look to my friends. When I need help, I look to my friends too. However, the irony of this is that I don’t have many friends that I can wholeheartedly trust. But that is also because I am such a suspicious person that I don’t open up to the people I meet until several months down the road.

Anyway, the main point isn’t about friends but what we were talking about. In a nutshell, I have been unhappy and just whining and complaining about several happenings in my life lately because that’s just the way I am. And being the overly sensitive me, I had to go ask my friends for opinion on whether I’m whining too much or whether what I should do. And my revelation for today is that I haven’t been exactly loving myself as much as I have promised myself to. 

Yes, I love myself and dress up more often now and I hope I look a lot better now than in the past. But I don’t really love-love myself. I’m okay with myself. Have good days but then have several bad days and everything’s crushed again. Hear comments about how not-so-very beautiful I look and then things aren’t so good again. It’s just a very strong love-hate relationship between my body and my mind. 

I’ve been hearing more of what others say of me because I thought that those could be constructive feedback. I would always listen and let it affect me to an extent such that I would get upset about it and complain and then slowly get over it by telling myself that I am doing the right thing. And this is a cycle that continues for several rounds and up till now.

Lately, I have just been feeling that maybe I shouldn’t be too bothered by what others say. I know some may be honest feedback, wanting to help me improve for the better. But there are definitely some things that are said which I find offensive and I have yet to ignore them because I believe that listening to others no matter what is still important. 

If listening to others and all makes me so unhappy about myself, then I am not going to do that anymore. Its a selfish thought, but being a happy self and keeping myself sane is definitely top on my list. I just have to ignore what others are saying and know that I am the only person that can keep myself happy. 

Till then, only by learning to love myself first can I then start to love another person. 

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