I used to be someone who is very conflict prone. I just shot my mouth off and didn’t really think of the consequences of what would happen if I offended people. To me, it was a matter of whether you liked it or you didn’t. And at that point in time, it really didn’t matter whether they were happy with me or not because ultimately, who are they to me that I have to be so bothered by their opinions right?
But as I grew up, I realised how silly that thinking is. You can offend a lot of people with your words and actions (And I eventually realised how little friends I have and how self-conscious I have become)
It’s sad because there are so many things that I won’t be able to tell others for fear of upsetting others or saying the wrong thing. I didn’t know whether I have said anything wrong, but I feel that there are some things that I should not have said.
Another issue I have is trust. I can’t trust easily. It is just so hard for me to let go and just tell someone what is wrong with me. Someone can ask me are you alright for a 100 times just out of a pure act of concern but I still can’t say what is wrong with me because I am fundamentally a person that distrusts everyone in my life. Its a bad habit, I know. But it is such a compelling thing for me to do. Might be because I am naturally like this, but also maybe because of things that happen in the past.
Today is one of those days where things go well, but you can still feel that you had a lousy day. Not because anyone did anything wrong, but because of the circumstances you were put in. And also because the decisions that you had to make, and also the people you have to interact with.
Sigh. May tomorrow be a better day.